When we moved into our new home, the decision was made to allocate the two bathrooms along the lines of the prior family households. My wife and 20-year old step-daughter got the “big” bathroom, and my 10-year old son, 6-year old daughter and I got the “small” bathroom. Unfair you say? Shouldn’t the ratio of people to square footage be proportional? Three people should get a bigger bathroom than two people?
If you think this you would be wrong. Here’s why. First, there is the obvious point that, although three people may share a bathroom, this does not imply that they will occupy the bathroom at the same time. In the morning before school/work, perhaps. In the evening before bedtime, possibly. But not in general. The products used in the bathroom, on the other hand, do require constant space to be stored somewhere in the house, and that inventory space is more often than not the bathroom itself.
This brings me to the second and more important point. Any man who dares to explore the feminine hygiene and make-up products used by their spouses (and I do recommend asking permission first!) will discover a bewildering array of items with mysterious ingredients and obscure functions.
Just to give you an idea, I decided to take inventory of the two aforementioned bathrooms just as a point of comparison. I left out the obvious essentials (i.e., toilet paper, towels, shower curtains, etc. and focused on what might be described as “packaged, non-durable, consumer goods”). Also, I relied mainly on the generic product category label the manufacturer chose to put on the package. So, while women purchase products to improve the appearance of their facial skin, the number of different concoctions designed for this purpose would stupefy a typical male. They cannot simply be lumped together as ‘facial creams’. Finally, the products are listed in order of discovery as I perused the premises. There is no inherent order in the list.
These are the products I discovered in my/my kids’ bathroom: shampoo, shower gel, hair conditioner, bath sponge, dental floss, baby oil, toothbrush, mouthwash, toothpaste, hair gel, hand soap, lice/nit treatment, bar soap, deodorant, air freshener, facial cream, razors, acne cream, shave cream, tinea (athlete’s foot) cream. That’s it.
Now for the list of products I found in my wife’s/step-daughter’s bathroom. The body parts in parentheses are for the men, who otherwise will have no idea what these products could possibly be used for (I had to read the directions myself in many cases): dental floss, nail soak, facial oil, placenta herbal whitening soap, hair moisturising cream, cotton wool ripple, dry end serum (hair), finishing cream, shine serum (hair), pumice (body scrub – I think?)…
…anti-wrinkle night cream, lip balm, dietary supplements, vaginal douche, after-sun spray, make-up removal pads, exfoliant (body scrub), tinea cream, cuticle remover, acne and photoaging treatment, skin toner, anti-bacterial hand sanitiser, baby powder, eye shadow, hair remover lotion, feminine moisturiser, skin tone correction, facial cleansing wipes, anti-biotic cream, collagen cream, nail lacquer, retinoic acid cream, nail lacquer remover, hair colouring, anti-oxidant therapy, hair cuticle coat, body butter, eye mask, total makeover kit…
…moisturising sorbet (no, not a dessert), detangler, eau thermale, cotton-tips, hair polish, feminine powder, acne face mask, foot massage lotion, repairing lotion, foot soak, daily oil control, conditioning foam, night renewal (also “therapy”) cream, shampoo, daily facial spray, conditioner, hair repair treatment, bath sponge, eye liner, exfoliating glove, lip gloss, skin cream, hair lacquer, liquid skin cleanser, laser aid, bath/shower gel, bath beads…
…dry scalp lotion, bath salts, feminine/intimate wash, mousse, razors, texturising spray, bar soap, hand and nail cream, mould cleaner, bath fizz (or sizzling rocks), body wax, toothpaste, toilet bowl cleaner (an interesting omission from the other bathroom – see Chapter 5), mouthwash, hair colouring, alcohol-free toner, healing oil, shaving foam, electric toothbrush, hand soap, toothbrush, automatic hand soap dispenser, hair clips, lotion sculpter (hair?)…
…lip cream, facial scrub, eye make-up remover, make-up remover, tanning body lotion, pore unclogging scrub, hair spray, heat protection mist (hair), hydrator (hair), anti-wrinkle lotion, baby wipes, skin de-pigmentation fluid, facial cleansing wipes, anti-ageing eye lift, eye cream, panty liners, mentholatum, tampons, bronzing cream (body), acne facial wash, bronzing cream (face), perfume, face and body clay, mud mask, foundation, body mask.
In addition to the rather obvious point that this list is a lot longer, a few things warrant further comment. First, the simple difference in number of product categories doesn’t begin to capture the disparity in the sheer volume of product in each bathroom. This is because I failed to take into account the number of brands within each product category. For example, there are 2 shampoos and 2 conditioners in my bathroom, whereas there is more like 10 times that in the other bathroom.
Second, I had to ask my wife for clarification on what, exactly, “placenta herbal whitening soap” and “eau thermale” do, and in the former case, whether the product does indeed contain placental material. The information on the package was no help whatsoever.
Third, I would just issue a simple warning to any male readers. Do not ask how much something like “placenta herbal whitening soap” costs. If you want your wife to be beautiful, be prepared for her to buy products that are so astoundingly expensive that bank loans might sometimes be required. This is very much like the forbidden zone in the Planet of the Apes. Do not go there. Think of it as the reverse of, say, your wife changing the carburator on your car without telling you.
Fourth, my naive, male interpretation of both “feminine powder” and “feminine moisturiser” being on the list is that sometimes my wife gets too wet down there and sometimes too dry. I might take this opportunity to note that I much prefer the former, but I am still waiting on a confirmation of whether my interpretation of these products is correct.
Fifth, the presence of “skin toner” and “skin tone correction” puzzled me at first, but I resolved this logically my assuming that (a) either both of these products do exactly the same thing, or (b) if you screw up toning your skin using the first product, you use the second product as kind of a dermal correction fluid before you start over again.
