Grime and Punishment

Little Suzy Homemaker, and the corresponding desire (requirement?) to keep a clean home, is so fundamental to the female gender stereotype, that women often deliberately let their house become dirty as a way of protesting against this imposition. Not feeling like a wife or mother is closely associated with not giving a damn about how dirty the house is.

But, perhaps somewhat sadly, this little ploy does not provide lasting benefits. Eventually, women, and especially mothers, will feel guilty about letting the house become too filthy. It is hard to imagine a men feeling guilt, or at least feeling the same amount of guilt, in the same situation.

Indeed, guilt as a driver of all things domestic is a button that clever marketers have learned to push in order to sell cooking, cleaning, laundry, and children’s products over the decades. But it is likely to be less effective for househusbands in general who will not give a damn whether they are living up to somebody else’s standards for being the perfect homemaker. There is not, and probably never will be, the equivalent of Suzy Homemaker for men.

Instead, marketers will have to tap into the male psyche with advertising that challenges his sense of competence. “Use the wrong product, and you are an incompetent fool” will trigger more purchases in men compared to trying to make them feel guilty about leaving stains in the laundry or buying peanut butter that has added sugar.

Men Just Want to Be Pampered

As hard as it might be for some of you to believe, men once regularly went for manicures, pedicures, and facials. These were all art of the regular routine on barbershop visits. In the antebellum period of the 19th century American men began shaving their facial hair and being primped and preened every bit as much as contemporary women visiting a beauty salon.

These ‘extras’ were gradually eliminated from the barbershop experience in the 20th century right up until the emergence of the Beatles, and long hair for men, threatened the very existence of barbershops. Interestingly, the rise of the metro-sexual male has reinvigorated the idea of men having manicures and pedicures. But realizing that this experience might compromise the masculinity of potential customers, the new salons are fitted out to look like…sports bars!

Hygienic Prerogatives in the Bathroom

When we moved into our new home, the decision was made to allocate the two bathrooms along the lines of the prior family households. My wife and 20-year old step-daughter got the “big” bathroom, and my 10-year old son, 6-year old daughter and I got the “small” bathroom. Unfair you say? Shouldn’t the ratio of people to square footage be proportional? Three people should get a bigger bathroom than two people?

If you think this you would be wrong. Here’s why. First, there is the obvious point that, although three people may share a bathroom, this does not imply that they will occupy the bathroom at the same time. In the morning before school/work, perhaps. In the evening before bedtime, possibly. But not in general.  The products used in the bathroom, on the other hand, do require constant space to be stored somewhere in the house, and that inventory space is more often than not the bathroom itself.

This brings me to the second and more important point. Any man who dares to explore the feminine hygiene and make-up products used by their spouses (and I do recommend asking permission first!) will discover a bewildering array of items with mysterious ingredients and obscure functions.

Just to give you an idea, I decided to take inventory of the two aforementioned bathrooms just as a point of comparison. I left out the obvious essentials (i.e., toilet paper, towels, shower curtains, etc. and focused on what might be described as “packaged, non-durable, consumer goods”). Also, I relied mainly on the generic product category label the manufacturer chose to put on the package. So, while women purchase products to improve the appearance of their facial skin, the number of different concoctions designed for this purpose would stupefy a typical male. They cannot simply be lumped together as ‘facial creams’.  Finally, the products are listed in order of discovery as I perused the premises. There is no inherent order in the list.

These are the products I discovered in my/my kids’ bathroom: shampoo, shower gel, hair conditioner, bath sponge, dental floss, baby oil, toothbrush, mouthwash, toothpaste, hair gel, hand soap, lice/nit treatment, bar soap, deodorant, air freshener, facial cream, razors, acne cream, shave cream, tinea (athlete’s foot) cream. That’s it.

Now for the list of products I found in my wife’s/step-daughter’s bathroom. The body parts in parentheses are for the men, who otherwise will have no idea what these products could possibly be used for (I had to read the directions myself in many cases): dental floss, nail soak, facial oil, placenta herbal whitening soap, hair moisturising cream, cotton wool ripple, dry end serum (hair), finishing cream, shine serum (hair), pumice (body scrub – I think?)…

…anti-wrinkle night cream, lip balm, dietary supplements, vaginal douche, after-sun spray, make-up removal pads, exfoliant (body scrub), tinea cream, cuticle remover, acne and photoaging treatment, skin toner, anti-bacterial hand sanitiser, baby powder, eye shadow, hair remover lotion, feminine moisturiser, skin tone correction, facial cleansing wipes, anti-biotic cream, collagen cream, nail lacquer, retinoic acid cream, nail lacquer remover, hair colouring, anti-oxidant therapy, hair cuticle coat, body butter, eye mask, total makeover kit…

…moisturising sorbet (no, not a dessert), detangler, eau thermale, cotton-tips, hair polish, feminine powder, acne face mask, foot massage lotion, repairing lotion, foot soak, daily oil control, conditioning foam, night renewal (also “therapy”) cream, shampoo, daily facial spray, conditioner, hair repair treatment, bath sponge, eye liner, exfoliating glove, lip gloss, skin cream, hair lacquer, liquid skin cleanser, laser aid, bath/shower gel, bath beads…

…dry scalp lotion, bath salts, feminine/intimate wash, mousse, razors, texturising spray, bar soap, hand and nail cream, mould cleaner, bath fizz (or sizzling rocks), body wax, toothpaste, toilet bowl cleaner (an interesting omission from the other bathroom – see Chapter 5), mouthwash, hair colouring, alcohol-free toner, healing oil, shaving foam, electric toothbrush, hand soap, toothbrush, automatic hand soap dispenser, hair clips, lotion sculpter (hair?)…

…lip cream, facial scrub, eye make-up remover, make-up remover, tanning body lotion, pore unclogging scrub, hair spray, heat protection mist (hair), hydrator (hair), anti-wrinkle lotion, baby wipes, skin de-pigmentation fluid, facial cleansing wipes, anti-ageing eye lift, eye cream, panty liners, mentholatum, tampons, bronzing cream (body), acne facial wash, bronzing cream (face), perfume, face and body clay, mud mask, foundation, body mask.

In addition to the rather obvious point that this list is a lot longer, a few things warrant further comment. First, the simple difference in number of product categories doesn’t begin to capture the disparity in the sheer volume of product in each bathroom. This is because I failed to take into account the number of brands within each product category. For example, there are 2 shampoos and 2 conditioners in my bathroom, whereas there is more like 10 times that in the other bathroom.

Second, I had to ask my wife for clarification on what, exactly, “placenta herbal whitening soap” and “eau thermale” do, and in the former case, whether the product does indeed contain placental material. The information on the package was no help whatsoever.

Third, I would just issue a simple warning to any male readers. Do not ask how much something like “placenta herbal whitening soap” costs. If you want your wife to be beautiful, be prepared for her to buy products that are so astoundingly expensive that bank loans might sometimes be required. This is very much like the forbidden zone in the Planet of the Apes. Do not go there. Think of it as the reverse of, say, your wife changing the carburator on your car without telling you.

Fourth, my naive, male interpretation of both “feminine powder” and “feminine moisturiser” being on the list is that sometimes my wife gets too wet down there and sometimes too dry. I might take this opportunity to note that I much prefer the former, but I am still waiting on a confirmation of whether my interpretation of these products is correct.  

Fifth, the presence of “skin toner” and “skin tone correction” puzzled me at first, but I resolved this logically my assuming that (a) either both of these products do exactly the same thing, or (b) if you screw up toning your skin using the first product, you use the second product as kind of a dermal correction fluid before you start over again.

Man Maid

The bedroom, like many other rooms in the family household, has been the woman’s purview due to greater interest and facility in all thing related to interior design. Not saying men can’t take an interest in these kinds of things, just that in general, they don’t. Women are very likely to want to continue calling the shots for how things ought to be done. However, even here a man can score a victory or two. One of the “domestic epiphanies” my wife had was realising that I was far more adept at all things related to making beds.

Not only did I actually make the bed every morning, which is a big “luxury” in a husband if you happen to be a working mother, but over time she came to reluctantly accept that I was better at it than she was. Now, of course, I had an advantage here. I worked as a hotel maid throughout high school. No screwing around on that job. When you’ve got to deal with hundreds of beds a day you get reasonably good at it.

My wife was particularly impressed that I could single-handedly put the quilt in the quilt cover. The first time she saw me attempt to do this she used her default position as the manager of the household to practically insist that we do it together. To say that she was sceptical of my ability to do it alone would be the understatement of the millennium.  But this time I put my foot down. I knew it could be done and it would have been silly for me to give in.

Once she saw me do this I earned a whole new respect in the bedroom, to the point where I am actually allowed to choose the sheets and bedcovers when it’s time to change them. Initially she’d overrule my choices and switch to another set of sheets or quilt cover. But this switching required extra work on her part, and that’s what she was trying to do less not more of. Over time I noticed that my decisions became increasingly acceptable to her, to the point where she completely relinquished her veto power. 

Real Men Don't Do Pastels

My mum was staying with us over the holiday season and, always wanting to be helpful and contribute to the normal household duties, started doing some laundry. She, innocently enough, asked me if I had any "pastels" that needed to be washed. What?!? What the f**k is a pastel?!?

Here, I think, is a rather basic difference between men and women - color perception and vocabulary. Women make distinctions between and use precise labels for a dress colored burgundy, cardinal, carmine, cherry, coral, crimson (some men know this one, but only if they're college football fans), currant, dive (really? dive?), flame, garnet (see note for crimson), maroon, raspberry, rose, ruby, salmon (surely orange, no?), strawberry, tomato, vermillion, and wine.

Men see red - just red. We're willing to separate "lights" from "darks", just don't push it.

Training the Perfect House Husband

There are many complex reasons for the "glass ceiling" that prevents women from attaining the highest positions in public and private institutions, but one of the most obvious impediments to female careers is that men don't do anywhere near their fair share around the house. Fathers seem to be the worst offenders. One Australian study estimated that the average dad spends roughly one minute per day looking after his own children! Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's a "quality" minute, but this just doesn't seem to be anywhere near good enough. If women are doing all the housework and childcare, there simply isn't as much time to devote to their careers.

So here are a few tips for women who want their men to be a little more helpful at home. Next time he bothers to lift a finger, to do any little thing at all no matter how trivial, tell him he did a good job – even if he didn’t. Lie!! Practice in the mirror. Here’s the thing, if you encourage him he’ll do it again, AND he’ll get better. OF COURSE he’ll get better! It’s not rocket science. Give me enough time and bananas and I can teach a monkey how to do the laundry properly!

If encouragement doesn’t work, try this. It's especially good if you've got young children. Call up your girlfriends and plan a trip for the weekend; someplace far, far away. But don’t tell him anything – until he comes home from work on Friday. Then just say, “Honey, I’m off to the airport”, and go!!! Better yet, make sure the fridge and pantry are empty and the house is a complete mess. Men live like pigs anyway, so he’ll feel right at home! Yeah, throw him into the deep end of the pool and see if the poor bastard can learn to swim. My guess is that he can – and he will – he’ll have to.

If that doesn’t work, here’s another neat trick you can try. First, buy a full-body leather suit with metal spikes and a proper, circus-quality, lion-taming whip. Don’t worry, all the leading department stores have them, in the Dominatrix Sexual Role Play Department. Then Monday morning, before he wakes up, ring his boss and say “I’m sorry by my husband is too sick to go to work today.” Then dress up in the leather suit, walk into the bedroom, and crack the whip in his ear. Tell him YOU’RE the boss today, and you’ve got lots of little jobs for him to do!!!

Any way you approach it you’ll find that your man will get better at housework over time. But here’s the catch, the better he gets, the more he’ll do things HIS way. Not the way you would. Let it go! Your reward will be more time to do the things that you want to do, whether it’s working toward that big promotion, or a two-week vacation in Europe.

Definitely Not a Man's World

As a marketing professor, I tend to look at trends and patterns in the consumer products available in the marketplace. To get a feel for just how much mothers are still associated with caring their families, and how fathers are largely excluded from these kinds of roles, all one has to do is stroll down supermarket aisles.

Now to the women reading this, do not scoff at the notion of a man telling you what it’s like to shop in a supermarket. Remember, I’m a single dad. I shop with a 10-year old and a 6-year old, so I know what “pester power” is like first hand. But women have the advantage (a rather monumental one in my opinion) of knowing that the environment, and damn near every product related to the role of caring for the family has been created for you.

For fathers, the supermarket shelves are an alien place where our particular earth species is not represented or welcomed in any way. Let me validate that last assertion with a little research exercise I conducted a year or so ago. On a trip to the supermarket, I considered all the product categories associated with the role of caregiver. (This excursion did not include the kids. There was no way in hell I was going to deal with pester power, shopping, and conducting a little research at the same time. Is this because, as a man I cannot multi-task?) There were a lot of product categories under this umbrella, but I finally settled on three super categories: cleaning, food preparation, and care of young children. This is central to what the care giver of the house does, though certainly not exhaustive of all the domestic responsibilities it entails. But basically caring for family members involves eliminating dangerous microbes by keeping the household clean, preparing food for the family, and taking care of children.

Within these broad classifications, I then looked only at the front of the package of any product falling into one of these categories and noted whether it featured (a) a woman alone, (b) a woman with a child, (c) a man alone, or (d) a man with a child. Any other package image was deemed irrelevant for my purposes. For example, many of these packages featured, not surprisingly, only children, and in many categories, the majority of the packages were not gendered. I was only interested in the gendered packages, and the percentages reported below reflect that focus. Also, the unit of analysis was the image itself, not the product or the brand. So, for example, it was common for a product line in a given category to feature the same package image on a number of technically different products, for example, different nappy sizes. Such cases only counted once, regardless of how many packages featured the image. It was, however, possible for the same brand to feature different images within the same product line. So a brand might feature three different female images, one for the nappies, one for the nappy wipes, and one for the baby bath wash. This case would count as 3 gendered products, even though they were for the same brand.

The results of this little analysis, I’m afraid, weren’t all that surprising. The cleaning category included laundry products, kitchen cleaners, bathroom cleaners, furniture polish, leather polish, etc., but not personal care products like hand soap, shampoo, or toothpaste. Only things used to clean the house. Of the 14 package images falling into one of the four categories above, 7 featured a woman alone, 6 featured a woman with a child (all laundry products), and 1 featured a man alone. The lone male was depicted on a spray starch product, you know, for ironing cotton clothes to eliminate wrinkles. Now perhaps that lone package was appealing to men as the primary ironers in the household, but I somehow kind of doubt it. Instead, I think the message was far more insidious. The cartoon male on the package was wearing a sharp, indeed nicely ironed, dress shirt. The package, in essence, was telling each housewife to use this product on her husband’s dress shirts, so he’ll look really spiffy in the office, thus getting that promotion that the two of you want so much. Arguably then, all 14 cleaning packages were ‘gendered’ by being aimed at women, and in any case, 13 directly depicted women as the care giver in that domain.

What about child care products? Again, here we have mainly nappies and toddler pull ups, as well as related products like nappy wipes, baby powder, baby oil, baby shampoo, well you get the picture. Once again we get a clean sweep. All 13 products falling into the above categories in fact fell into just one category – women with children. When it comes to caring for young children, supermarket brands are unanimous that this task falls to mothers not fathers. The cooking products were only slightly less skewed. Here the product was either a raw cooking ingredient (e.g., flour, sugar, baking powder), a spice (e.g., cinnamon, oregano, cumin, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme), or cooking equipment (e.g., blender, slow cooker, toaster, etc.). Twenty cooking products had gendered packaging. Of these, 14 featured a woman only, 3 featured a woman with a child, 1 featured a man only, and 2 featured a man with a child. Interestingly, the 3 packages featuring men were all store brands. Does this mean that retailers are more PC than food manufacturers?